Thursday, June 7, 2012

Flip a Coin

Decision making is such a hard process for me sometimes.  It's probably just fear of knowing how many bad life choices I've made in the past and not wanting to add to that long, ridiculous list of mishaps.  I guess I'm a little more cautious than I use to be, but for good reasons right?  I don't know. I love the new me, the me that I spent so much time rebuilding; however, I miss that part of me that took risk and was never afraid to fail.  It didn't matter how ill thought out an idea was or how stupid it sounded to others, I would always follow my heart. Now? Not so much.  To be honest, I'm not even sure what my heart is saying and I have no recollection of when I became so out of touch with my own inner voice. I’ve been following the rules and acting against impulse. Seems like, in an honest effort to be right, I’ve lost a sense of individuality and creativity.  As much as I try to embrace uncertainty, this feeling is just a bit overwhelming. 

The time has arrived for me to make a solid decision once again.  Rather than feeling confident in my prayers and myself, I have crazy, gymnastic butterflies doing flips in my stomach.  On top of that, the walls are closing in, meaning I don't have all the time in the world to think it through.  Perhaps I should just flip a coin. 

Often, I read an excerpt from a book by Rainer Marie Rilke, entitled Letters to a Young Poet, because I find myself in a similar place quite a bit.  It inspires me and reminds me that questions do not necessarily come from some unknown, evil force and to be patient with myself in order to discover the answers I receive from God..the universe.
“You are so young; you stand for beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will, gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. Perhaps you are indeed carrying within yourself the potential to visualize, to design, and to create for yourself an utterly satisfying, joyful, and pure lifestyle. Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust, and as long as it comes from your own will, from your own inner need.”
This is such a refreshing and beautifully written perspective to my a.m. venting.   Hopefully I'll be able to apply it. 

♥ @ChymereA
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