Sunday, January 6, 2013

Fear or Change of Heart?

In this moment, the thought of California frightens me.  Rather than me fulfilling a vision, it feels more like walking through a dark scary swamp land alone with no flash light.  As a result, my mind seems to be changing and slowly giving in to that fear.  Potentially, the self doubt was sparked, or maybe even caused, by outside opinion. Will I sink in quick sand like they say? Perhaps, I'm engaging in the wrong conversations.  Whatever the reason, suddenly all the reasons why I shouldn't have taken the place of all the reasons why I should.  Now my body feels somewhat settled, growing more and more accustomed to life on the east coast, and in my free time I'm contemplating staying put, or at least postponing, until all the fear goes away.
However, I should question whether or not I will allow temporary fear to outweigh a long term dream of mine and if the opinions of those who only want me to stay are important enough to make me reconsider.   If I stay, will I find contentment, yet spend days mourning with regret?  If I go, will I painfully miss the familiarity of my hometown and my comfort zone?  There is no way of really knowing any of those answers right now. Honestly, this is the most opportune time to continue to plan for it. I'm young, beginning to explore being an adult in my early 20's, and I don't currently have any obligations that will bind me to a certain place, group of people, or anything that requires/depends on my physical presence. Granted, so much can happen in one year, but I've already successfully passed through the first quarter of my year.  According to my Countown to LAX timer, there are only 200 something days until my said official move date, approximately 5 months to wrap my mind around a final decision.
It's really not like me to overthink the negative.  And I have to be really careful to make sure my thoughts are true to me rather than the thoughts emerging from the confusion I currently feel.

Chymere Anais

"Sometimes you have to venture outside of your world to find out who you are."
-Gossip Girl



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3 comments

  1. Moving to a new place can be very scary, even moving up the street can be scary so I understand your hesitations. But like you said, you are in your early 20's with no obligations holding you back...I say go for it. If I was brave enough I would have been moved to NY or Chicago. Face your fear and if you don't like it you can always turn back. Cali can't hold you hostage.

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  2. @Lanee You're so right about that. Thanks for the encouragement! I say the same to you...if you want to move, do it! What is really stopping you??

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  3. Be true to yourself. Do whatever feels most right for you. But I would encourage you to explore--there is no way of fully knowing what you love if you never experience anything outside of what you're most accustomed to.

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