Wednesday, February 26, 2014

WildflowersUnscripted | DAY #26: Juicy Phone Convo


"I miss you."

"I miss you too," my response was playful, endearing even. I sincerely did miss him, but had to brace myself for the intent of this phone call. 

"How much?" he smiled through his words. 

"Enough."

There was an awkward silence now.  I can't give him too much satisfaction, because he's seen so much of me already.

"I have something to say and I need you to listen closeli," I said breaking the steel silence with my now serious tone, "You don't have the capacity to love me the way I deserve to be loved."

Another cold silence came in after my statement and I kept thinking he could hear my heart beating. Although it was very similar to conversations before,  this time I wasn't bluffing.  Once again, I allowed him into my world and felt damaged because of that; not because I think he's a bad person, I just know we can't be what the other needs, and he knows it as well.

I could hear his breathing deepen, as if his ego was trying to keep his self from crying.  The emotions I felt in return was so heartbreaking. Why does the necessary always have to be so hard?

"I understand," he uttered, which he always did, naturally. 

He was there when I needed someone to talk to, for every failed relationship, even moments I knew I could call, but didn't and not once judged me for just needing him in those moments. Since I was 11 years old, he has been the friend I turned to for just about everything.  It amazes me that it didn't matter how shattered or put together, how happy or heartbroken, I was when I came to him, how long it had been since our last conversation, or who held our interest at the moment, he always welcomed me with the best hug.  He's liked me since we met, but we've always just been close friends, however that one distinctive summer when I came home from college, we crossed the line between friend zone and lovers, and since then, our connection had an added element that draws me even closer to him.  We were no longer strictly platonic, even though we tried so hard to be. 

Almost naturally, I get incredibly attached to people once I love them and he's one of the few that's been close enough to my heart to make me cry if they weren't in my life anymore.  It's the way I love and I haven't yet learned to control that.  

Something-actually three things-happened during our periods of non-communication and here is the twist of the saga.  There are three small beautiful, intelligent, amazing children that will always come before me.  I ran into all of them recently and an electrical surge ran through me. Fortunately, we both were able to keep things rather cordial. At that point, I knew I opened my existence to him again without meaning to. Although it is commendable that he's a great father, I need the attention he can't give me. I can't say that the mother is absolutely done with him romantically either.  On top of that, I have these insane, lingering, unwanted feelings for my ex.  So now you can easily understand why the situation is much bigger than "us", whatever we are.  

He spoke again, "You don't have the capacity to love me the way I deserve to be loved either."  

Sting. I had to calculate what to say next without caving in, "You've been an awesome person to me and I'm sorry that I wasn't that dependable."

So then, we go into this spill about why I'm so awesome and why I should believe that. 

"Why apologize for that?" he inquired, "I've always thought you were awesome. You are who you are and who you want to be."

Silence was the real juice of this conversation, apparently, because again, all I could hear was breath and all I could do was breathe. His mind is just so beautiful and most people would never get a chance to see that. 

"Chymere, I want you to know that I'm always here for you, no matter what. "

I know he means that and it was shocking at how easily it came out of his mouth, but it's up to me to accept that the damage is done, put emotions aside, and walk away before things get too messy. 

"Good bye," I said, touching 'end' on my phone screen, because pushing him away is so much easier to deal with at this point. 

True story.



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