Sunday, January 4, 2015

In Defense of My Defenses (Against Love)

You awaken oceans inside of me, so why is it that I'm so barricaded against you seeing the waves? 
Am I scared that you would either drown or not try to swim upstream at all? 
My heart is constantly flying into the galaxies, but I have to keep reminding it of gravity, 
and of how hard it is to recover from that kind of fearless fall. 
When I find myself exiting the world's endless masquerade, 
allowing all the facades to fade in front of you, I remember to not get too lost in your kingdom, 
even when I am enjoying the view. 
I can't be deceived by those honey eyes that aren't really windows to your soul
(because eyes never really are that introspective) 
but that beautiful fantasy keeps me locked in, even when hope is thin. 
I want so badly to accept you on a individual basis and to not sort through all my journal pages 
that have captured the tears of previous stages, 
yet, here I am, caging myself again and crawling behind my defenses, 
protecting myself from the relentless possibilities, 
like the daggers you might possibly use against me. 

My mind and heart are no longer racing, both out of breath and fatigued.
Finally emotions and logic reach a compromising medium- 
that I can love from a distance, to avoid all the hurt, 
but in the hidden crevices, it's you I crave the most. 
One day, you're going to notice that I'm literally counting every breath 
and watching every step as if balancing on an invisible tightrope. 
And like previous lovers, it's going to be too much to try to love away whatever is holding me back, to try to rearrange all those damaged pieces of mine to figure out this complicated puzzle. 
I'll want you to be here, wrapped in my arms forever, but pride will never ask you to. 
Then, you'll find another muse and I'll convincingly pretend to be happy for you two. 
To stop myself from crying waterfalls, 
my mind will say: "You've loved before, and You'll love again."
Heart will respond: "...but I can never seem to learn the rules. 
Here I stand in a false reality, scenarios I play like dead melodies in my head, 
full of non-existent nightmares and words unsaid. 
In moments that my heart so eagerly wishes to whisper 'I lo...I lo...' 
I look for ways to conceal the truth, 
so maybe this locked box of poetry will fade away before you even knew.

01.03.14 // Chymere Anais Poetry



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5 comments

  1. Damn!
    I've been here before.
    Sadly more than once.
    Thankfully I'm not afraid to love again because in love, there are no rules.

    LOVED IT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind words, Ms. Daja! It's the struggle, but I'm definitely learning!

      xo

      Delete
  2. love.
    this.
    been there, felt that.
    beautifully written.

    :)
    vanessa
    grace-and-gratitude.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love when someone puts their heart into their work!! Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  4. So well written.
    I don't know a person who hasn't felt the same way.
    Great read :)

    ReplyDelete

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