Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Sometimes, I Miss You...


"Missing you comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning." 
-Hannah Taylor
It's 7 a.m. and the night never really ended, just up thinking about life and other things, which happens quite a bit.  Paying attention to one thought at a time, my mind drifted to this time last year, when I was "stranded" in Los Angeles, California. Looking back, it's hard to not wonder how life would have unfolded if I decided to face my fears and stay.  Was leaving a blessing or an excuse? Where did that road eventually lead? I guess I'll never know.

The city of dreams and nightmares is what I re-named L.A., because that's exactly what it was in that moment. I spent my whole life daydreaming of living there only for it to not at all be what I expected it to be. Still not sure if immediately falling flat on my face was a test that I failed miserably or if my standards were a bit too high, but sometimes I wish I did trust myself a little more more, had more perseverance and faith, or better yet, trust God (enough) to carry me through it all. I remember believing it was His will for me to go in the first place, yet convinced myself it was His will for me to leave when I no longer felt safe. 

Craving security and the comfort of a familiar habitat, I decided to run back home.  The moment after settling back into my comfort zone, I couldn't help but wonder if I had done just that: settle. This is not the first time I've been in this place of passive regret, so obviously, a part of me still feels that way. Even when I re-read something I wrote explaining what I felt upon arrival, it breaks my heart a little, because there was honestly so much positive energy surrounding that move. I vividly remember writing in my journal the first night and feeling so overwhelmed with joy.  I do not, however, remember the exact moments where the sweet turned sour...or perhaps, I forced myself to forget.

At this point, I'm pretty content with where I am in my life. It isn't always smooth sailing, but for the most part, things are going well and there's not much to complain about. Maybe it's the rise of the summer that makes me miss being so close to the ocean, so close, I could escape there whenever I needed to spend time with God or feel one with the universe. I could go there to center myself when my sanity was compromised or when I was having a bad day. Now, I'm 2,000 + miles away from paradise, the only place that has ever felt like home, and the only sensible thing I know to do, is to write about it.

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1 comment

  1. There's something really poetic about nostalgia. Yeah, it sucks to reminisce and miss, but at the same time, it puts a lot into perspective I think. I think your life is going and has gone the exact way it was supposed to go and that you'll get your paradise one day - maybe not even the way you pictured it. Great post, thanks for being so naked here.

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