Monday, January 16, 2017

Overwhelmed.

This world that I am voluntarily a part of is so scary at times and there's this constant pressure to be bigger than we are for the sake of being influential, for the sake of turning our entire brand into one huge commercial full of products/services we would've never bought otherwise. Blogging has become this over-saturated market of people competing relentlessly for popularity and numbers (not necessarily building authentic connections), and creating a business tools out of something that was once so light-hearted and fun. It used to be a time we could expose ourselves freely, laugh, joke, and connect with familiar faces; now, we're just sharing pieces of our lives via social media and becoming extremely braggadocios in the process.

All of it is really so overwhelming, which is why I've chosen to vent here, because I miss having a space outside of my journal, where I felt safe to be transparent, openly share thoughts and pieces of my world, without worrying whether or not someone will be offended by how I've chosen to express myself. It's almost like going to a club packed with people, smoke in the air, heavy bass pouring from the speakers (so loudly to the point where all conversations are drowned by it), only to truly crave those small intimate gatherings with a few close friends; where the only sounds filling the space are a nice feel good play list in the background, laughter, and conversations about life + other misc. things. That's what I miss so much about blogging and unfortunately, it is so damn hard to find. 

Once upon a time, I wanted to own my own print magazine, which I still think would be a dope career path. However, my mind has moved on to another dream. Subconsciously, I think I may have been intimidated by what it takes to go that route. Every time I turn around, there's another 'how to build your brand' seminar, ebook, mailing list, and/or podcast. Don't get me wrong; while I certainly have found some of it to be super beneficial and there are some bloggers who are phenomenal at what they do but, at some point, it's just way too much. It's information overload. 

I originally started blogging in high school, somewhere circa 2005-06, on a site called Xanga. From there, I posted on Myspace and Facebook. It's one of those things that I've held on to for so long, it's hard for me to just up and walk away from. Not only does writing come naturally to me, it just so happens to be a passion of mine.  Although some would consider it to be a gift, it's something I truly enjoy doing, so while it started as something fun and wasn't something I took seriously, I was still creating substantial content, never in my wildest dreams thinking that it would one day become this billion dollar industry nor did I care; all I ever wanted to do was write + create to my heart's content without the need or underlying pressure to be anyone but me. 

The crazy thing is: I still want to be in this world. The downside of that desire is knowing there's a side of me that's starting to believe I'm delusional for actually thinking my authenticity will make a difference. Another side of me thinks there's not really a place for me here anymore, other than the little corner of the web I've somewhat abandoned in attempts to "adapt" to what this world has become. I know that what I'm saying may come off as a very cynical and self-sabotaging way to think that's not necessarily good for business, but that's just how I feel *Kendrick Lamar voice* ...and it's wildly obvious that a part of me wants to fit in. 

Even coming off a two week social media hiatus for the new year and focusing primarily on my sports blog, I'm still high-key overwhelmed and-at this moment in time-I don't know how to go about dealing with that, other than doing what I've always done in stressful times such as this: write

-signing out-
Chymere A.
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