Tuesday, February 7, 2017

07. controlled by confusion: en route.

Hi.

It's been a while since I've sat down to write an impromptu post, but like I stated here, most of my attention-as far as blogging goes-has been redirected to the sports + music blog. Don't get me wrong; I have been so proud of myself lately and absolutely loving the content I've been putting out there. However, when it comes down to the more personal side of things, I haven't had much to say  other than what has been written a million times already. 

This post is already turning out to be like that awkward moment while you're having coffee with someone you haven't seen in years. 

The other day, someone posed a very triggering question: do people even read blogs anymore? For some reason, the question alone was discouraging. Given the pop up of blogs everywhere, it's become even harder to find new blogs with unique content and many of the blogs I love are falling off in a sense, or simply don't post as much or as consistently as they used to. And although it's nice in theory to attend local events and reach out to other bloggers in my area, I really have no interest in "networking" if I'm not building genuine connections in the process. 

For this to now officially be a personal blog, there isn't much personality here anymore. I think I've even lost sight of what I wanted this blog to be by listening to other influencers telling me what it should be and comparing myself to other bloggers who surpass me in every sense of the word. And maybe I am being too hard on myself, but I've reached a really odd mental place in figuring out how I want to go about continuing. All I know for sure is I don't want to stop simply because I find myself at a crossroads. Often times, I'll even have these perfect little life moments that I either draft something and talk myself out of posting it or don't document the moment at all. With that being said, I think it will do my soul well to play catch up and participate in #WhenSilenceSpeaks, a 30-day writing challenge, hosted by GG Renee of All the Many Layers. Not sure if it's in my best interest to write every single day, especially considering how late I started, but I will at least give it a try. 

And school...school has been something I'm slowly chipping away at and something I haven't been 100% honest about, as I'm now approaching 10 years...yes, a full decade...since I graduated high school and have yet to graduate college. It's been a tough journey for a few different reasons, most of which I take full responsibility for and some due to surrounding circumstances. The problem isn't that I don't want to finish; it's just another one of those things I'm still trying to figure out.

"...(Hey Mama) I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm going back to school
I appreciate what you allowed for me
I just want you to be proud of me..."

For some people, a degree isn't a big deal, but for me it's a huge deal, especially since it has literally been a bullet point on my goal list since I was a kid. Not being done and well in my career by now can be one of those haunting things that are easy to get lost in; I constantly have to remind myself to not fall into the trap of 'I should've done things right the first time around' and focus on what can be done and what needs to be done from here on out.

I know this post was all over the place, but honestly...this is what my life looks like to some extent, because I've unintentionally taken the unconventional route: searching for purpose and direction. trying to retrace my steps to better understand where I'm coming from without getting stuck in the quicksand of my past. Sorting through all the mixed signals I'm likely putting into the universe to gain some sort of clarity and peace of mind. All the while, making 'be positive. stay focused ' a daily practice.

So here's to another pointless rant. Thanks for letting me vent. 
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