Wednesday, March 15, 2017

03.15 | My Greatest Fear

Death is such a touchy subject for me and a tsunami of emotion takes over me any time it crosses my mind. It's the inevitable, yet my greatest fear. It even scares me a little that I feel somewhat lead to write about it today...for no particular reason in the present moment. My thoughts tend to wander to such dark places and I'm trying so hard not to question why it's necessary to write out the thoughts that are flow out right now.

In my lifetime, I've witnessed death quite a bit to loved ones young and old...some unexpected, the others not so much. The first one I recall was a childhood friend, someone I was so completely enamored by, someone whose presence had a positive impact on every person he encountered. I wanted to marry him. That one caught me completely off guard; we were only freshmen in college when I received that dreaded phone call. That weekend, I had a swim meet I didn't go to. I didn't eat. I couldn't stop crying long enough to sleep. 

A few months later, it was my grandmother, and although she'd been sick, she was determined to fight breast cancer. I loved her terribly and I just added the grievance to the one I was still dealing with. 

The following year, my grandfather's soul sailed away into the heavens. As prepared as I thought I was, it still hit me just the same way, like a ton of bullets blasting into my chest. The description sounds dramatic, but heartbreak like that is one of the most painful and traumatizing things I've ever had to face and I just know that no matter how often it happens, it'll happen again. It's the inevitable, yet my greatest fear.

Over the next few years, it happened like clockwork and perhaps the lesson was that it was never about me, but for all practical purposes, I felt like it kept happening to me. In 2011, a young lady, who I considered to be a little sister, committed suicide. Just last year, I lost my aunt and an uncle, my dad lost 2 siblings...both events tragic and unexpected. Even when it hadn't happened, all I did was imagine death scenarios like some kind of mentally ill weirdo, wondering who would be next. To this day, I have nightmares where I wake up in sweat and eyes full of tears. Every time this occurs, I live my day with a cloud of fear haloing my head. .

In retrospect, I never did the best job at telling those individuals just how much they meant to me. It's hard for me to understand why I still don't express to people as much as I should how much I love them, how badly my entire being would be affected if they were no longer with me. In my mind, life is largely based on relationships and sometimes it's hard for me to allow people to get close to me, because everything in this life is temporary and death-in any sense of the word-is way too painful to take on too many different energies at once.

However, I'm fueled by fear, because it moves me to live life on purpose, to cherish each day, person, experience as they come. It makes me cognizant of the fact that it could all be gone in an instant, so being lead by fear isn't so bad when it forces me to have a heart of gratitude and to see the beauty everywhere. With every breath-knowing this one could be my last-I am thankful and lucky to be alive, to be blessed enough to have so many people love, care about, pray for, and support me through everything. Possibly, allowing fear to lead me may be a good thing and if it's not, I can only hope to see the light before it's too late...

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2 comments

  1. Please share how you can swim twice a day and still manage to keep your hair in good shape! I'd love to start swimming more (all the workout goodness and no sweat dripping down my face?! Yes, please), but the chlorine would murder my strands.

    I want to engage more on social media too. I keep saying "i'm going to start using IG again this week/month/year," but it all just feels so darn fabricated sometimes! 😩. HALP.

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    1. I just got it straightened for a wedding, but soon it's back to the curls lol. I rarely wear it straight. I've been swimming for most of my life, so the chlorine won't ruin your hair, I promise; it just needs a little more attention than if you're not swimming that often.

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