Currently.

Hello good people and citizens of the world!

It's been a minute since I've blogged and I figured I'd start off BHM with a pretty simple list of things I'm loving, working on, anticipating, etc. I used to complete these types of lists on the blog fairly consistently, so I decided, in lei of consistency being one of my words for the year, snuggled up with 'accountability', why not bring the series back? Not only is this a simple, "ice-breaker" way to get reacclimated to blogging again, it's helping me fill the void I've experienced from not writing and cultivating my need to create just for the fun of it.

♡ Aiming to: wake up every single day and do at least 3 things that contribute to my success and accomplishing my goals, an idea I adopted from one of my fave YouTubers, Erin on Demand, who - I believe - was the creator initially responsible for the concept of the Top 3 challenge, that encouraged her audience to write down just 3 goals to do daily that would ultimately help check off . So far, so good, but there's still plenty of room for improvement

♡ Thinking: that it's beyond time for me to start blogging consistently again (and later I'll discuss why 'consistency' is one of my words for the year) and this post is obviously my attempt at doing so. 

♡ Doing: the work it takes to heal and pour into myself in order to be in position to consistently show up as my best self, which includes going to therapy, something I never thought I'd be comfortable doing, but has proven to be extremely helpful

20|22 Vision

The vision + the mood for 2022 is going to be wildly different. I’ve slept on myself, my ideas, my talents, my dreams for way too long. I can’t allow another year to just pass on by without going after everything I want and fully trusting that God will fill in the gaps with what I need. I’m focused on what’s ahead, not looking back, because I believe that what’s in store for me - on the other side of fear and doubt - is far greater than what lies behind me. 

This will be a peaceful and drama-free year, because I am absolutely exhausted by all the stress, rage, emotions, etc. that come with drama. I won’t have time for any of that. Staying focused on getting back to a place where I’m hella focused and too busy to entertain anything that doesn’t align with the life I’m aiming to build for myself. It’s game time and I’m in it to win it! 

This year, I intend to:

…be the happiest and most fulfilled I’ve ever been happy

…have a thriving and successful business and career in A LANE I CREATED FOR MY DAMN SELF. 

…be at peace.  

…have one of my dream cars by the end of the year

…love in a beautiful oasis of a home in the city I love 

…be surrounded by a group of genuine, driven, positive, loyal, kind, loving, and supportive individuals who make up my thrive tribe 

…have the funds + flexibility to …travel often with the people I love

… My partner and I are in a healthy committed relationship grounded in God, love, trust, and mutual respect. 

…have a life full of luxury and 

adventure 

…attract unique, high paying clients every month, consistently. 

…stick to a workout regimen ((“May the abs continue getting flatter and the booty + (pockets) continue getting bigger”)) 

…be the best human I can be and fully tap into my potential

“What I’ve learned is to always keep going…because, eventually, that storm passes…” — Kobe Bryant | RIP 

Do It For Your Damn Self

While so many people are excitedly hoping for a successful year, it’s important to do things that resonate with your spirit, with your mind, with your entire self. Every plan and ambition should align with who you are and who you’re striving to become, not how other people (who aren’t living your life) will view or accept you. When you are truly living in your purpose and your truth, you’ll begin to attract the right people who are suited to your growth and individuals who will challenge you to be who you are destined to be. It’s not to say that you shouldn’t or can’t do for others, but it’s impossible to pour from an empty cup. Make sure you are cultivating and feeding things that bring YOU joy; that bring YOU peace and clarity, so that you are able to add value to anyone who is privileged enough to even be in close proximity to the masterpiece that is YOU! Do it for your damn self is a mantra we should all hold in high regard. Prioritize yourself in 2022 and everything else will fall into place, organically. 💗🤎 | photo credit: @aphroditeheiress

The Rebrand: Create | Hu$tle | Thrive

This past year was a wild, wild ride. I learned so much about myself, my triggers, my limits, life in general. To test how truly resilient I am, I hit my breaking point - my personal rock bottom - last year, yet here I stand, on the other side of everything that was sent to destroy me. Thankful. Now, I’m just focusing on creating a beautiful life for myself, hustling using the talents and gifts God blessed me with, and thriving in my divine feminine more and more each day. Like Issa Rae said: “It’s feeling like me season right now” and it does, 100%. 

In 2009, I discovered blogging and was then introduced to a healthy outlet to express my thoughts, my perspectives. It’s a shame that I’ve gone so long without doing the thing I’m the most passionate about, which is writing. There’s been a creative blockage that has seemed to last ages at this point. Although I am a bit rusty, because it’s been a while, my word of the year is consistency, so I’m adding this blog to the list of things to do, consistently.  

The resurrection and relaunch of #TheSkyBoxSuite, a brand and online publication dedicated to Sports and Music, is in the works as well. Technology, Creativity, and Entrepreneurship are the 3 categories I’ve decided to add to the mix, so I’m super excited about getting that up and running again. 

In addition to all of that, I’m also working on my debut novel, which hasn’t seen the light of day in several months. Hopefully, I’ll be done with the first draft by the 2nd quarter and ready to publish by the end of Q3. So it’s a lot of writing going on over here and I’m feeling confident about diving head first back into everything. 

What’s on your radar for 2022? What are your intentions for the new year? How are you staying creative? I’d love to hear from you and continue building a community of supporters.

Thought Spills When I Should Be Asleep

It's almost 4AM and I am restless. Watched the Bucks - Rockets game. Caught up on some YouTube videos. Finished reading the book I was reading. Pretty much did everything except work on my digital portfolio. And the utter boredom in wee hours of the morning made room for my thoughts to go whichever way they saw fit, leaving me no room for the sleep I'm currently craving. 

Life. Life has been...somewhat interesting; every week varies. Some days, I feel like I'm on autopilot, barely existing. Other days, life is so robust and full of pleasant surprises and moments of happiness (that I try to not hold onto too tightly and therefore, neglecting to stay present). Then there are those days where every thought and emotion comes unexpectedly rushing to me at once, invading my space and sitting there until I find a way to ward them off. Either I'm somewhere at home, trying to make the most of my time or I'm questioning the purpose of life and thinking of all the things I took for granted pre-2020.

So I'll start with yesterday...how yesterday was absolutely perfect and so full of good vibes and positive energy. Good people. Good food. Quality time spent in the pool underneath a blaring sun, slightly shaded by the clouds. The only thing I hated was that I do not share the same affection for this genuine and amazing guy who likes me, who was also the reason for such an amazing day. I really hate that the main reason I don't like him back is mainly because he's too nice. Inexplicably nice. Sounds horrible, I know...I'm just being honest.

Regardless of who I'm with or who I'm thinking about romantically at any given moment, it shouldn't matter, because there are bigger, more important things to focus my attention on, such as my career, getting my finances in order, potentially moving across the country during a pandemic...I really can't afford to be distracted right now, which is what I've been telling myself for the past few months. Even in the moments of pure bliss, I know there's more - more that I should be doing, more that I'm reaching towards, more that the circumstances I'm in, as well as what I choose to be distracted by.

Then a reminder. 

As I was eyeing over my collection of books, trying to figure out what to read next, I randomly picked up 'More Than Enough' by Elaine Welteroth again, simply because I felt like reading, and a couple pages in, I was hit by a ton of bricks: 

"When your dreams are bigger than the places you find yourself in, sometimes you need to seek out your own reminders that there is more. And there is always more waiting for you on the other side of fear."

 And this one, especially regarding my casual mention of a potential cross-country move:

"I was finally waking up to my own possibilities, and to a deeper realization of the power of vision and faith - two of the most important tools I would need on my journey. For the first time, I understood that the bigness of my life would be determined not only by the bigness of my dreams, but also by my capacity to trust that there is a Higher Power who would always take those dreams and multiply them." 

Love it when my thoughts end up in revelations, so I wasn't just roaming the endless corridor of my thoughts and my bookshelf at 4 in the morning in vain.

@ChymereA

Unarmed. (rough draft)

I often think back to a poem I wrote the summer of my 12th birthday, one I'm pretty sure I've shared on this blog. To this day its simple lyrics resonates with me and makes me really grateful that I learned about how to forge my own identity in a world full of labels, and that at such an early age, my parents taught me how to be proud of who I am.

As the poem comes to me kind of unexpectedly, I must've written a sequel to that poem back in February (2.22.2020, to be exact); they had a similar rhythm. Or maybe this is just me with a more clear understanding of my own voice. Either way it goes, I wrote a poem that has been a sort of love letter to myself, but I've been afraid to share it and I'm not quite sure why. If I'm being honest, I've been afraid to share a lot of things out of fear that the words wouldn't be good enough. By the way, I'm coming to this realization as I'm typing, attempting to create content during a time when our voices matter the most. 

I'm trying to pinpoint when exactly I became so hesitant to shake the table, to rattle feathers, to speak out no matter who took offense to the truth. When did I become so damn timid? I'm actually not even sure how important the chronological order is in this matter, but maybe retracing steps will help me solve the current issue I'm having (?) Still unsure how to answer. I guess what I'm saying is...I'm trying. Considering everything happening in the world and the tragedies that continue to plague this country, anything happening in my personal life seems so small in comparison. While dealing with  and trying to maneuver through both the external and the internal, I. Am. Exhausted...so much so that finding the proper words to say during a time such as this is overwhelming within itself. 

But I'm a "writer" and I have created a platform to be able to speak, so I have to say something. 

Afraid (of the inside)

It did seem like the world collapsed overnight, but even when it did my peace is the thing that scared me the most. 

I was not afraid to go outside, not afraid to speak kindly to a passing neighbor, not afraid to catch the first cheap flight out to salvage a broken friendship between me and my ex, only to create a new one with his current lover. Why? Because I'm rarely afraid of anything outside of myself. 

It's always the inside shit that frightens me the most, as if the explosion of everything I hold onto internally will kill me in an instant. 

And it wasn't until I wrote it just now that I came to that conclusion. 

See, underneath all of the news surrounding this pandemic, as well as the tragedies sparked because of it, I sense that something else is taking place; something subtle and menacing and something that will catch us all off guard once it surfaces. Not to mention how the new laws very blatantly targets, yet fails to protect, the black community...on a global scale...and there is a bigger reason why I feared speaking on it at all, but I digress. 

In the midst of all the chaos, specifically in Georgia, my home state, major news is casually being swept under the rugs of oblivion, such as the Ahmaud Arbery case (that I've only seen 1 person out of 700 + friends on social media mention), because it can't possibly be as important as commanding everyone to stay indoors; to only go to the essential places that somehow largely exclude small businesses, and with little to no evidence, prosecute those who don't follow this new mandate. 

Perhaps, it was the worst time to binge a show like Handmaid's Tale, because now I can't get the idea of martial law out of my head, how possible it is for things that only dwell in imagination to happen in real life. I can't help but notice how all the conspiracy theories I've heard over the past few months are starting to make sense. Overwhelmed by an overload of information, searching for ways to escape this reality, and exasperated from being awakened...being "woke" is exhausting af. But I believe that being privileged enough to be blinded to all of it is a different form of imprisonment. Again, I digress. 

However, I've always been this way. No matter how naive I was assumed to be, I've always steered my life with eyes wide open, never closing them shut before the fall...or leap. Awareness of danger has never stopped me from living and I guess that's why I'm here, to encourage someone to keep living the best way they know how. 

A thought...I understand that everyone is a healthcare professional with tons of experience in political matters to have the know all to know how to go about this pandemic, but can we just collectively stop wishing death upon people, simply because they've chosen to go outside? I'm someone who questions religion and the validity of the Christian bible as we know it, but is it pure folklore to actually believe that life and death is in the power of the tongue like Proverbs 18:21 suggests? Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit (NKJV).

With all that's going on in the world right now, I'd like to implore a greater compassion for how others choose to live their lives during a time where panic, to some extent, is seeping through our pores like the poison it is. Someone may decide to risk it all and go have a fun day outside, simply because an abuser lives with and awaits them at home. Perhaps, sitting alone with themselves is a trigger for depression, suicidal thoughts, or other mental disorders in general. Yes, the "statistics" (distorted by too many unknown variables) are terrifying to hear about and there is a safety concern that people should remain cognizant of, however as we chant things like #StayHome, keep in mind that you never really know what people have going on within the walls of the places they call home, as everyone's version of safety varies.

It's a little grim, and maybe even extreme for some to think about, but the overall point is: have a little more compassion, because at this point, no one has all the answers except the universe itself, constantly unfolding, shifting, building, functioning as it should. The omnipotent God that we call different names is still very much in control. 

All in all, one day all of this will be a moment in time and rather than reversing back to "normal", things will be better than they were before...or am I a fool for believing that as well?

-Signing off- Chymere A. ♡ 

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

Bigger Than Me

Journal entry | 02.20.2020

Bigger than me...

My goals, my ambitions, my aspirations in life are bigger than me.

Evolving pass, growing through, and rising above any negative circumstances outside of my control is bigger than just me.

Breathing through anything that tries to break, harm, or destroy my spirit will help me cultivate more empathy and compassion when it's time to offer my healing process/healed energy to others; therefore, it's bigger than just me.

Not allowing the heartbreak I am currently experiencing to turn me cold and bitter will only empower and enable me to open my heart again when the time is right, as well as create a safe haven for those who genuinely (desire to) love me. The love I'm able to give and receive is bigger than just me...

-Signing off- 

Chymere A. ♡ 

 Follow me on Twitter + IG: | ♡ @ChymereA

"...the sky's falling, the wind is calling / stand for something or die in the morning..."

How to Choose Love Over Fear

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Sorting through all the emotions and reflections that have unpacked over the past few months, this was the thought that emerged out of sitting with my thoughts for hours this morning before starting my day. It was a simple, yet daunting, statement that I've concluded has a few different layers, so for a little while longer, I just allowed my thoughts to drift back to that mindset. I don't want to be afraid anymore, or - better yet - I don't want to live in fear anymore, played like a broken record in my head. It felt like an epiphany, a breakthrough of every seed that's been planted and every lesson that didn't make sense until that very moment. Only naturally, it was my first instinct to take a shot at writing the breakdown of that realization in hopes that it would all make sense to someone else as well.

If it really were that simple...to just wake up one day and decide this is how I want to live my life from now on, would we then choose to live our lives differently than we normally would if we only had two choices: love or fear? What if the only thing needed to not fear something was to choose to not fear it? These were some of the questions that presented themselves to me when I told myself that I do not want to be afraid anymore, which to me, could mean an array of things. 

I've never been clinically diagnosed with anxiety or depression nor have I been prescribed any sort of medication to help with certain mental imbalances, so I try my best not to mock those people who have to live with these very real conditions every day by labeling myself with those things. Based on what I've read about mental illness, there are different behaviors I've exhibited in the past that connect to anxiety and depression. For instance, I've had to deal with myself about obsessing over scenarios that only exist my head, questioning why I legitimately fear things that may not ever happen. I've had to really sit with myself and sort through all the negative shit I think about daily; things that directly affect everything, from why I react the way I do in certain situations to how I interact and deal with others. For whatever reason, all those self realizations and questions came rushing to me during my quiet hours with God this morning, forcing me to look at reality through a new lens.

The questions became gradually expansive, such as: What if the key to achieving everything you want to achieve in this lifetime was a matter of taking your mind into a new dimension? And although that sounds really heavy to some people, what if it's not as complicated of a task as we believe it to be? What if we truly do have more power than we think...more discipline, more self control...over ourselves, our perception of reality, even the reality outside of that? Considering that everything is a matter of choice - not necessarily in a sense that you are always able to choose what happens to you, but in a way that you can choose how you respond to what happens to you and choose how to make things work in your favor - what if the only thing separating you from your destiny is a choice? Digging even deeper than that, what if the only two options you had were love vs. fear and that's it? Even thinking about the statement Love conquers all: is love strong enough to overpower everything we fear, including our own darkness?

The Catch 22 is having all these questions with no concrete answers attached to justify the truth; only theories with no quantum backing that I know of. What made it all resonate with me was having heard snippets all of this before (i.e. The Laws of Attraction) and finally connecting the dots that tied everything together. Therefore, I didn't feel like I was completely lost it or that I was insane for thinking such things, because I've been introduced to these things at different points in my life from multiple sources. How many times do you hear things like there's nothing to be afraid of before it starts to really make sense?

Ideally, I'd like to dive deeper, but for the sake of keeping it as short and sweet as possible, I may just break this up and write as I uncover/discover different parts, because it certainly is a lot to try to squeeze into one post. To be honest, I don't think the internet deserves everything I come up with, but that may just be the narcissist in me. But, if it eventually turns into a book, will you buy it? Will you read it? Will you be able to digest and understand the message and context? Another set of pridefully wonderful question that I believe time will inevitably reveal. 

Regardless of the outcome of this series, I'll conclude with a question that I hope whoever is reading takes the time to really navigate and if you're willing to share your answer with me feel free to: 

Do you operate primarily from a place of love or from a place of fear?

When Preparation Meets Opportunity | Cheers to the Next 10 Years

Photo by Joe Hu on Unsplash

As I spent some time towards the end of 2017 reflecting on the year, I started to think about the last time I sincerely believed a year was my year. It's around this time that people are typically putting stake in the claim, entering a new calendar cycle with this whirlwind of optimism that was bound to sizzle by April. I know for a fact that I've been this person many times before, where - almost naturally - blank canvas and new beginnings excite me, but the momentum dies down by mid-year, if not, early spring at best. However, something about two thousand eighteen just feels...different. 

I looked to my old journals for reference, because I really wanted to know what my thought processes were over the past several New Years. I finally found my answer. Although I'm always pretty optimistic, the last time I truly believed within myself that it was my year was back in 2008 and honestly, I don't have much to show for it now. Damn. 

With that time frame in mind, I gave some more thought into what my intentions are for this year. The concept of 10 whole years going by was pretty surreal to me. I could remember being that young, bright-eyed girl; so care-free and full of excitement and hope for the future. Then, my mind couldn't stop thinking about what happened to her, like that version of myself was just some rag doll I traded for a fair shot at adulthood, and I really started to miss her. 

Slowly, but surely, the person I used to be crept into my quiet time as a reminder to my current "grown-up" self that that same girl is still very much alive, and all I needed to do to revive her is let go of all the fear that has been holding me back, all the pressure to fit into a certain box, and just believe again.  It was that simple.

Strangely enough, this conversation I was having with myself inspired how I want to move in 2018. Considering the last time I felt super amplified by a new year was a full decade ago, I decided on the spot that everything I touch this year will be a set up or preparation for the next 10 years, therefore if another 10 years flies by before I feel like I've reached a pinnacle again, I can look back knowing that I 1000% maximized the opportunity to make 2018 my year. I'm entering a very pivotal phase in my life where I really want to focus on purpose and making sure everything within my reach has long-term value.  Time is precious, so - in my mind - I only have one shot to get it right and for whatever reason, that kind of pressure leads me to think that this is going to be one of my best years yet. 

Make Time for What's Important (an Homage to Personal Happiness)

Amandla Stenberg | @amandlastenberg

"...Livin' my life like it's golden, livin' my life like it's golden..." 

-Jill Scott

As I've gotten older, I've been considering what's important to me at this point in my life. Only naturally, my priorities over the years have shifted, but sometimes I fall into this trap of nostalgia that makes me miss who I used to be, and sometimes even, who I pretended to be. It's actually quite annoying that I've clung so tightly to things that aren't relevant anymore. What a waste of time! Although it took a while, I'm finally ready to burn the books and dead those chapters that should have been closed years ago. Although letting go can sometimes be a very frustrating transition period, it's time to move on. 

Moving on and detaching from something can hurt like hell, I know from experience, however, I'm starting to realize that there is a greater reward on the other side of release. This could be letting go of negative thinking, distancing oneself from toxic individuals, allowing the past to stay in the past, and so forth. It isn't always easy to learn how to live without certain situations. It's a process for people like me that takes time to work through. Eventually, the release will be viewed as necessary, because there is no longer a need to continue to block incoming blessings with things that don't quite fit in your life anymore. Alongside fighting depression and striving to be happy, I'm sure I've written about this before. 

I have to remember to take a deep breath and not allow things I can't control to cause me stress. When I forget, there are gentle reminders all around me, such as my iPhone's lock screen, my mom's encouraging words, my best friends' listening ears. I've even met someone recently, who has been such a breath of fresh air-and with effortless guidance-keeps me just as grounded as the people closest to me. Even on a romantic level, I am learning not to think so far ahead. Staying present has granted the opportunity to find peace in small, yet significant ways and to practice what I preach in regards to affirming my own happiness and finding beauty in all things (without questioning if I deserve beautiful things to happen to me).  Because typically, this is my pattern: I'll write out what good things are happening one minute and completely self-sabotage and abort the next...

Crissle West | @crissles

So back to taking into account all that's important to me at this point in my life, which all boils down to happiness and peace of mind; cultivating the opportunity to receive those things and not distract myself with whatever I don't have. I only want to give energy to things that bring me joy. I only want to make room for genuine souls who are able to reciprocate my effort and my love without me having to beg or compromise my worth. I only want to engage in activities that are positive and helpful to my growth. I only want to promote love and positive vibrations in all facets of my life. The more I focus my energy on what I do want to grow and proliferate, the less space I make for things I don't want.

Also, I've been spending as much time as possible with my family. Every single day, I run into people who aren't fortunate enough to share special bonds with family members and it reminds me of how blessed I am. Magically enough, it gives me less time to think about people who aren't in my life anymore or cry over who treated me poorly/didn't show love the way I expected and even deserved to be loved, because there are plenty of people who play active roles in my life, even outside of my family circle, whose love sustains me daily. And sometimes the lack of friends in my immediate environment makes me forget all the wonderful friends I've made in my life thus far, who I am 100% sure will be around for a lifetime. It's normal for the people we love to live very busy and separate lives, but we all will always find a way:

Make time for what's important 

...which means carving out quality time for each other. There is no secret science to how to do it; it's actually very simple. For me personally, prioritizing has proven to be a natural remedy for depression, as well as an organic way to keep my anxiety to a minimum. The past nor the future is as important as what's happening in this moment.

These past few weeks have been difficult and super stressful, simply because I was just trying to find balance, yet feeling like I was drowning in the process. But yesterday, I literally woke up and decided to be happy...and, to my surprise, it actually worked! As long as I can wake up and make that choice, I know I'll be fine. I'm aware that everyday won't be perfect and some days are harder than others, but finally I understand just how much I deserve to be happy...

Lizzo | @Lizzo

Smiling from ear to ear happy.

Can't stop laughing out loud happy.

Owning every room I walk in happy.
Excited to face each day and every challenge happy.
Shining from the inside out happy. 
Knowing that everything will be OK + the universe is safe happy. 

Finally. 

Self-Love ♡ Sundays | Falling Behind

In the age of social media, sometimes avoiding the game of comparison becomes a daunting task. I'm not sure if this is anyone else's problem, but I decided to be candid in the case that it is. We live in a society of sharing, where we share everything from celebrating milestones to what we eat that day. It's no longer weird to walk around in public, arm extended, talking to and/or posing for a phone or a camera. Despite the many benefits of blogging and social media to name, we are narcissistic and over-exposed. Thus, we've created the perfect formula for self-sabotage, jealousy, delusion, etc. to exist.

All of us are selective, very strategic about what we share, because most of us want to be perceived a certain way. Most of us-myself included-don't want to show certain aspects of our lives out of fear of being too vulnerable.  We don't want to be open about our failures or the mistakes we've made that caused us to fail. We don't want to highlight our fears and insecurities (even though sometimes we do, unconsciously). We don't want to show moments of defeat.

There have been moments when I'd drop "subtle" hints on Twitter about something I'm going through and a close friend would text me: 'hey, are you okay?' As much as I truly appreciate gestures of genuine concern, I'd immediately feel embarrassed, stumbling all over my words/thoughts to respond...as if I'm not supposed to have any emotion besides happiness. Why is that? Do I not fully grasp the concept that everyone has their own demons to fight and it's okay to be sad sometimes? 

And I know most of the sadness stems from having green eyes, playing envy of others' blessings or ability to be blessed. It reminds of a familiar bible story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). Careful not to rescript the entire passage, it was basically a parable Jesus told to his disciples of two sons, one who did everything right according to his father's laws and the other who ran away and was frivolous of his inheritance. The son who stayed at his father's estate felt he lived an noteworthy life and because of that carried this sense of entitlement and didn't think his brother deserved to be welcomed home with elaborate gifts and celebration. When he questioned his father, the father reassured him that he was always with him and everything he owned was his. The compassion he felt for the brother didn't change or lessen the love he had for both of them, nor did it take away from what belonged to each son individually.

Basically, there is enough room in the universe for all of us to be blessed, but if we're consumed with what others have, we fail to recognize the blessings and resources available to us. Also, we never truly know what people have gone through to get to where they are, because for most people, those are the parts they refuse to showcase. 

Obviously, the greater lesson here is to not compare your journey to that of others. However, I constantly catch myself thinking the grass must be greener on the other side, watching other people experience certain things and feeling inadequate, or feeling like I'm falling behind, especially at the age where every one around me sort of expects me to have my life together by now.

A little over a year ago, I wrote a post about believing in abundance and how much I don't believe there is a such thing as "missed opportunities", yet-more often that I'd like to admitt-I fall into this conviction that I missed my mark, that I had all these chances that I ruined, somehow. It's such an awful way to think, but I'm just being honest and the first step to healing is acknowledgement. 

So where do I go from here? How many times do I have to remind myself that it's all good, that I'm here for a reason, that God hasn't forgotten about my silent prayers? This whole life thing is a learning curve and I don't think I'll ever have all the answers to these penetrating questions. A huge part of me trusting the process is acceptance and expressing myself via words-no matter how over exposed I may be-allows me to be more honest with where I am at each stage.

Nante yie.

Fly Away...

Recently, I've developed a strange appetite for stability. 

This probably happened as a result of frustration. I spent a majority of my adulthood giving into my free spirited instincts, however, my impulse actions and irrational decisions have, thus far, proven to be unsuccessful. Moving from place to place, doing what I want, but not really accomplishing much to brag about. Honestly, I don't know if it's me talking or the voices of a society based stigma regarding people who create their own path. I used to cringe at the thought of "stability". Either way, I still want to be proud of something...something that shows me, if no one else, what I'm capable of. 

The ground I'm standing on has been shaken a little bit these past few months, so now, more than anything, I just want to be rooted.  I've been wanting to find a place where I can establish my career foundation independently and build an amazing, fulfilling life for myself...and possibly even a place where love will find me, so that the empires we've built individually can merge into one.  Not to intentionally sound bizarre by contradicting what I told myself a while ago about finding contentment where I am, but I'm starting to believe that my own personal happiness has a lot more to do with geography than I thought. 

As I'm sitting here with a one-way flight confirmation email staring at me and taunting my lack of courage invading my happy thoughts, I start to feel a little uneasy, a little confused about something that I was so sure about just months ago.  Am I prepared enough? Should I cancel? Should I redecorate my room and just get comfortable where I'm free of most of my financial responsibilities?  Should I wait it out and stay for another year? Would leaving be a huge mistake? The bigger question is: where did the hesitation come from? What happened to the resilient, confident, bigger-than-life girl [sans inhibitions] who had incredible faith that things would work out for her good?  I miss her. I need her to remind me of the dream I'm starting to forget.

One of my accountability partners is always checking up on the progress of my plans, as any good accountability partner would do.  A few months ago, she moved to her dream city, NYC, and even though things have been less than perfect, she's taking a bite out of the "big apple" and sticking it out on her own. For her, this is where she belongs.  Several bloggers and friends have also done the same thing by relocating for different reasons. I'm proud and inspired by them all, but in this moment, I will admit to being a bit envious. I was probably given ample amount of opportunities and resources to make that move happen, but I'm still here wishing and waiting while the clock keeps ticking.

Now that I've gotten all that off my chest and into the universe, I seriously think it's time to re-navigate where my energy is going.